Life, Revisited

not my will

I sit back and watch life go by. I cry while reading about the suffering of people I don’t even know. I hurt with them, and for them. What is worse, I imagine I am them. My tears make reading hard. The hurt makes praying essential.

People hurting people.

Terminal diagnosis.

Loss of job, friend, spouse, children…dreams destroyed.




Children being abused, molested and even killed.

Elderly being neglected.



The list of things people face seems endless. The sun still rises…the birds still sing…how? My heart is heavy so how can the earth still turn and daily routines go on?

Hope. Our lifeline. It is what keeps us going. Tomorrow will be better.

People I care about are facing mountains that seem to be impossible to climb above or get around. I have no words of comfort, no soothing comments or sayings. I cry for them, and I pray that my YHVH would comfort and strengthen them. A Mom is angry over the hurt that has befallen her child. A family mourns the loss of their beloved Dad. A woman living with the fear of hearing her doctor say she has cancer. I can’t fix any of it. I have no solutions. No answers. I can only sit her and pray as the tears fall and drip off my face.

What lesson am I learning? Life is but a vapor. We are not promised tomorrow, or today, or joy and happiness. We are to be overcomers. To walk by faith. To trust in our Creator. To make a difference with each moment we have. Importantly, we need to learn it is not all about us. Embrace each moment we have and find something good in it.

Your job making your miserable? Wow…be thankful you have a job and can support your family. Many don’t and can’t.

I just watched a show, Chasing Life…one thing hit me…you can not live until you know you are dying. Wow. That will change the way you see everything. You will learn to be thankful for each day. You will learn to enjoy putting a smile on someones face, to brighten their life, if even for only a moment. To give a hug, to listen, to be silly, to walk in the rain to watch the beautiful light show in the sky during a storm.

Do not merely exist. Embrace each day and do the best you can with it, casting all you cares upon YHVH. He can carry your burdens. He knows you. He loves you.

This pinball game going on in my mind has me looking at things differently. I have not pieced it all together yet, but my thoughts have bounced around so much and I see that some of the bad things that we blame on God, well, they are because we disobey His Word.

Do you remember the story of King David? The one where he lusted after a woman that was taking a bath. Remember when the baby was sick? David fasted and prayed for his life. The baby died. Why?  He was a man after God’s heart.

Life is precious, a gift to be lived.


Storms are Gathering

7-21-13Do you see the storms brewing? Darkness is descending upon us. Good is being called evil and evil is being called good. Police officers are being hunted and killed. The race card is used so much, and all it does is divide us. Abortion, gay marriage, transgender, everyone wants their rights, and that means stomping on the rights of others. My heart hurts for this nation I call home. How must our Heavenly Father view these things?

Could I be as brave as the clerk in Kentucky? Oh, I would love to say yes, yes I could and would stand strong for the Word of God. Reality is, I don’t know. She is facing such persecution for standing up for what she believes in. There has to be a way where there seems to be no way. As a dear friend stated today,

“But if not, be it known unto you, O king, that we will not serve your gods.”
Daniel 3:18 played out before our very eyes.

Remember Daniel? He defied the law of man to uphold the law of YHVH.

Isn’t that what Kim is doing?

So much hate is being directed her way, and yes, we were warned that we would be hated…

Yeshua said: “If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. John 15:18 NKJV

And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. Luke 21:17 NKJV

But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me. John 15:21 NKJV

We have had a good life here, free to worship as we desire. Freedom of speech. Freedom to opt out of vaccines. Freedom to pray it school, to carry your Bible, to dress as you want…wow…yes, even the freedom to smoke and do harm to your own body. So, having said that, have you noticed freedoms being taken away from Christians/Messianics/Jews? Oh, if we speak out in honor of the Bible, that is hate speech. Not allowed. Prayer is censored in public, the Bible is not welcome at some work places and schools. Abortion is a right….wow…legal murder. How far we have strayed.

We the people…yes, you and me, need to live our faith out loud. Need to have our voice heard. We need to stand out from the crowd. People should see you and know that your are different. They should see peace in you no matter what is going on around you. Is not your light to shine brightly before all?

And He was saying to them, “A lamp is not brought to be put under a basket, is it, or under a bed? Is it not brought to be put on the lampstand? Mark 4:21 NASB

Light shines brightest in the dark. Be that light as the storm moves in…

Suddenly My World Changed


May was a rough month for me. Not only was my pain increasing in my lower back and down my left leg, but the sister of my heart, Sandi, my sissypoo, passed away. May 4th Ed and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary at the beach. A favorite and relaxing place for us. I love the smell of the ocean, OK, in our case the Gulf of Mexico, I love the hot sand and the sound of the water. Oh and those pelicans. They just fascinate me.

While I am relaxing, my sweet sissypoo is in the ER about 3 hours north of me. She had been battling a bladder infection, but had pain that she never experienced before, and lethargy and lack of appetite. While I am basking in the sun, she is miserable and enduring tests.

Two days later we learn it is cancer. I hate cancer. They go in to remove as much of the growth as they can, but what they found inside, well, there was nothing they could do. I was numb. Sandi, my sissypoo, is a big part of my life. We talk for hours each week, email, text and all that stuff that keeps us involved in each others lives.

We went to see her on the 9th in the hospital. We talked and laughed and I could not believe what my eyes saw. My vibrant and active sissypoo was confined to bed. Not just in bed, but in the hospital. She told me she wanted life to go on as normal as possible in the time she had left. Meaning she would work as long as she could. We soon learned that was not possible.

Sweet Sandi declined swiftly once she knew that life-as-she-knew-it, was over. Her oldest son, Timothy, was by her side this whole time with such tender and loving care, and her other son was on his way from Kentucky. As I held her hand and looked into her eyes, I cried and told her “I don’t know how to do this without you sissy”. I was numb and sick to my tummy at the thought of losing her.

We went back to see her on the11th. The last time I saw her, or spoke with her. Family was gathering around her from other states. The next day they moved her to hospice in another city and she slipped away Thursday night, the 14th, when she was all alone. That is my Sandi, doing it her way until her very last breath. I miss her so much and really wish she was here with me now to share what I am facing.

Lesson in this? Many!  …Life is but a vapor and we need to live it to the fullest each day. Each day is a precious gift, do not waste a moment, you never know, it may by the last one with someone you care about.

Hope is essential to life. When hope is taken away, we just give up. I saw that happen, you could see it in her eyes. What is the point if there is no hope. See, all, yes all things are possible with God. He is our healer, deliverer, our hope, joy and strength. I could not face today without Him. He is the only constant in my life, meaning, He will always be with me. He will not die and leave me facing life alone.

Love…My husband is love in action. In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times…I look into his eyes and see his fear, his love, his caring…we have cried together and clung together and prayed together…a three strand cord, with God as our anchor…together we will navigate this journey through cancer.

I started a blog for my journey…

a journey thru cancer


You may be wondering why I have not posted in a while…after months of pain, we learned I have cancer…I began a blog about that, come and view…and please pray for us…

I will post some life lessons here…we are learning much…

Mirror of me

 I will be your mirror

Children are often a mirror of us. Now this can be a funny thing, a good thing or a truly ugly thing! Yesterday it was an eye opening moment with my granddaughter.

Our morning began like very other day, lots of hugs, and laughter, breakfast and Wild Kratts tv show. Then it was time for her to complete her assignments for school. She was doing a fantastic job, colored, dot to dot, math and reading. We shared laughter and talked about some things that sparked her imagination. All was fine. Then it was down to the last page to read. Started fine, then she lost her place, so I told her we needed to start again so that we can pay attention and not lose our place by being distracted. Thus began the battle.

Stubborn. I got the “look”. you know the one, it sort of says “I am not going to do it” and “I am mad at you” all in one expression. It became a stand off. Neither of us budging. I was in shock over her stand. She is so good at reading, and truly sweet and easy going child. What was this? Who was this? She began to clench her fist in determination to not obey me! What???

Then, deep inside me, I “felt” YHVH show me me. Yes, me. I did that with Him and His Word. I would be walking His path just fine, then for some reason I would stop. Nope, not going there, not doing that. I have my rights,  my feelings, my desires and, well, just refuse to do what I know is right.

You know the excuses. No one else returns the shopping cart to the cart return. Hardly anyone uses signals on their car to change lanes or turn. Well they go out to eat on Shabbat, or they eat pork or or or…the list is endless…

John 14:15 NASB “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

Sounds simple enough, until it means doing something we don’t understand or don’t want to do, or think we do not know how to do it, OR someone tells us to do it “this way” instead of “our way”. Yes, who do they think they are to tell me how to do this.

Well, maybe they have walked this path and learned a lesson or two and YHVH sent them to keep us from falling into a pit. Just maybe our way is not the right way. Horror of all horrors. Pride is a sneaky thing, Pops up all over, and then we have beloved friends and family that feed it by agreeing with us!

Beware of rebellion! 1 Samuel 15:23 AMP  For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as idolatry and teraphim (household good luck images). Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He also has rejected you from being king.

Children are a great mirror image of how we truly are. We may see ourselves as one thing, but they imitate what we are truly like. Be open for correction. I know it took me by surprise, but the struggle to remain calm gave me a small image of YHVH and His infinite patience with me. I should have been smoldering embers long long ago!

What is your child or grandchild showing you about you? Are you willing to look in the mirror of a child? It is far better to allow YHVH to correct you now before you become entrenched in the muck and mire of this world and slowly turn away from Him.

Take a close look in the mirror….

Be Strong

be strongMy buddy, Joyce, is in need of a miracle…a healing miracle…a 12th hour miracle…

This song is one that speaks to my heart

My tears flow…my heart is heavy…I ache for this woman and her family, and for all of us that have been blessed by her in our lives…she has this way of making each person feel as if they are her closest and dearest friend, the most loved…thank you Abba for blessing me with her…

November 2013 I was given an early birthday gift. My buddy, Joyce, reconnected with me the day before my birthday. I had been walking since May with this lump in my breast and not wanting to go the conventional routed, decided to use food and supplements to strengthen my body to fight this thing.

The first person I reached out to for prayer and support was my beloved sister in Messiah, Christine. The next day, she discovered a lump in her breast, so we two were walking the same path, together,  yet miles apart. A hand to hold and ear to hear my heart and prayer support, encouragement and love. Wow, thank you Abba for my sweet friend whom I call sister, through You!

Then I learn my sweet buddy is battling cancer. It hit her swiftly seemingly out of nowhere. She is an angel on earth. Full of compassion and southern charm. An anchor in the storm that you are walking through, and by that I mean she points you to YHVH and holds your up in prayer. I was blessed by YHVH with a handful to pray for me and walk with me. Some of us in similar battles.

I have this way of ignore it, it will go away. Well let me tell you this right now, that does not work. Lump is still there, and yesterday, fear raised its ugly head in my life. Fear came in like a tornado, unexpected. I heard that hospice was called in for Joyce. That rocked my world. My buddy. Tears flow easily with the thought of her leaving us. She is in need of a miracle. I am not ready to lose her, who is ever ready to lose someone they love and care about. So fear stepped in.

Is my family prepared if it were me? Do they have a relationship with YHVH that will carry them through the storms of life? Will they rely on Him for healing, comfort, strength, hope and the next step? Will I? I am at the end of me, what I can do for Joyce, from where does not my hope come from? My hope is in YHVH. He is my shelter, my rock. When I am weak…He is strong…when I let go, He can move in me and through me…

But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
(2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP)

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
(Psalm 18:2)

Above All Else….

My heart hurts for all those that feel they no longer love their spouse, those that are no longer loved by their spouse and all those feeling hopeless in their relationship. So much pain. Feeling lonely in a marriage has got to be the worst feeling.

I just finished a book. Yes, I love to read. I learn much from fiction, for some reason it reaches something deep inside of me, guess that is why Yeshua (Jesus) taught in parables…stories of the time. Anyway, Sarah’s Song by Karen Kingsbury was a beautiful story of love and poor choices and second chances.

Are you ready to give up? To move out? Do you even understand the pain that will cause your spouse and children, friends and family? I speak from experience in this. My parents separated and divorce when I was around 1. Now I have no recollection of the fights and the split, but I do know the life of a child that always dreamed of my parents getting back together.

My Dad wouldn’t come to my graduation or parties and the Dad that raised me wouldn’t come to my wedding! The ramifications of that divorce followed me throughout my whole life. I only wanted my family together. Then, I did the same thing. I caused all that same pain to my first born and her Dad and our family and friends. Talk about history repeating itself. I was selfish and “fell out of love” with the man I had vowed to love till death parted us. So young and unbending. No thought of second chances or doing what it took to make it work. I paid a price that still affects me, my daughter. He fought and won full custody of her and I, well I ran away and lived in my dark pain for years.

So much time spent feeling I was not worthy of love, losing anyone I got close to, even a puppy that was killed in front of me. I was broken. An empty shell. Walls went up. No one was going to get close enough to hurt me again, I had hurt enough. Enough time was spent looking for love in all the wrong places, nothing and no one was going to hurt me again. Yes, my choices caused that, but I did not see it at that time. 1978 began that mess, and by 1982 I was no longer lovable.

1983 God took mercy on me and sent some wonderful people into my life to care for me despite me. They prayed for me and opened their homes and lives up to me, which I coldly refused. Let me tell you, their prayers made a difference, but they never knew it. I moved to another state before I found YHVH and gave my life over to Him.

My second chance came in a man that showed me unconditional love. No matter what I said to him, he stayed. He was sent by YHVH to begin my healing. He has been by my side ever since, loving me through the ups and downs of life and more so when I was so unlovable and tried to prove it by pushing him away. YHVH had a plan for me. A hope, and a love and a family that means so much to me.

That is why I cringe, cry and ache for those that give up and walk away from their marriage. The devastation left behind is worse than a category 5 hurricane, and hearts may bear the scars for a lifetime.

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. NIV

Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. NASB

Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. GNB

If you believe the Word of YHVH, you know He will make a way and renew, restore, refresh or make anew your marriage. He has a plan…not to harm us…if marriage is a shadow of His relationship with us, how can we toss it away as something worthless.

I can not go back and undo my past. I don’t know how to build a relationship with my first born and her children. i lost so much because of my choices. Please stop and pray…take time to look at your wedding pictures…cards that spoke of your love to each other…you can find that love again, that second chance…never give up…your family if worth it!